


somewhere suspended in space (is my heart)

by love_killed_the_superstar



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Coming of Age, F/M, Gen, Growing Up, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-26 16:07:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13239276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/love_killed_the_superstar/pseuds/love_killed_the_superstar
Summary: Connie and Steven on growing up.





	somewhere suspended in space (is my heart)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Swordaperson](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swordaperson/gifts).



> Secret Santa gift for Jo! Happy holidays and I hope you liked the fic! Thanks for challenging me to write outside my comfort zone!  
> Even after editing this it feels a bit all over the place... sorry about that. But connverse is actually really difficult for me to write so I guess I hope I did it justice? lol
> 
> The fic is canon up until the end of Kevin Party, but features snippets based around Bubble Buddies, Full Disclosure, Sworn To The Sword and, of course, Kevin Party.

_On foot must I cross the universe_

_before finding the first thread of my red robe._

_Of my own self I see a faint glimmer._

_Somewhere suspended in space is my heart,_

_sparks go forth from it, vibrating the ether_

_in search of other boundless hearts._

 

-Edith Södergran

 

 

_**At first** _

 

Connie liked Steven, even if he had stranded them at the bottom of the ocean. That night her mother fussed over her salt-stained clothes, and Connie's phone had been blown up with texts and missed calls that she hadn't been able to get enough signal to receive inside the bubble. She was grounded for a week for being unable to provide an explanation that didn't sound utterly ridiculous, but that night Steven sent her a text.

_sorry things got crazy!! maybe we can hang out again soon and learn more about boats??_

She smiled.

 

 

_**Four months later** _

 

Alien abduction wasn't something Connie had imagined would be a factor in her life, but as she sat surrounded by the remains of an extraterrestrial spaceship, it dawned on her that for better or for worse, Steven was her tie into this new world. It felt a bit like being a VIP for a concert she hadn't known she was going to, but as Steven cried against her shoulder, she didn't have the heart to voice this analogy.

When the tears had finally stopped, he started from the beginning.

“I found out I'm an alien,” murmured Steven. “Well, on my mom's side. Gems tried to take over the world. We're fugitives from space. Oh, and she and Pearl were in love... I think.”

Connie tensed up instinctively, a reaction she didn't quite understand, and she felt an uncomfortable twinge in her belly as she digested this bombardment of new information. It was the same feeling she got when she found a picture of her dad's high school girlfriend last year. She looked away and focused instead on the broken green machinery parts all around them, hardly believing it had fallen from space.

“They... they were in love?”

Steven nodded, oblivious to Connie's response, and sighed. “It makes sense now, why Pearl's never liked my dad. Why she looks at mom's painting all the time with that look on her face. If they were a couple, maybe it hurt her feelings when they broke up so Mom could be with my dad. Maybe... it's my fault? For being here?”

Connie wanted to say no, straight away. Of course that couldn't be true, it wasn't like you could control being born... but if she'd learned anything since being introduced to the gems, it was that logic didn't seem to apply to them. If they could walk up walls and materialise weapons from their gems, what was to say they _didn't_ blame Steven for existing, as though it was something he could help?

Her hesitation was a cruel mistake and he sniffled.

“Things have been so weird lately. If I'd never spotted the robonoids in the warp, would any of this be happening?”

“Steven...”

She squeezed his hand and he looked to her. His swollen eye was a painful reminder of why she had to do better. Why she couldn't sit around for the next time Homeworld came swinging, or the gems made Steven feel bad for existing.

“I'm glad you're here. Whatever the gems are going through right now, _I'm_ glad you're my friend.”

 

 

_**A month after that** _

 

Connie was ready for war.

She was getting stronger by the day. Her movements were still a little clumsy, her teacher would say, but her technique was improving and she could wield her practice sword for longer each day. Her arms would ache afterwards but there was a pleasure to it as well, a power from knowing how to protect herself, how to protect Steven.

“Maybe this is bad timing,” Steven had tried to say one evening, after Pearl had to leave suddenly for a mission and they were left to move the equipment back to the house. She carried a sword, Steven carried a plate of mostly eaten sandwiches and a couple of empty juice boxes.

“What do you mean?”

Connie was away in her own world, swordfights and victories dancing in her head.

“I mean, I think... maybe... this is getting kinda intense?” he attempted, trailing behind her as she marched ahead, a true soldier. “I mean, the gems have been training me for a couple years now and I've never seen Pearl this passionate about anything.”

If it was supposed to be a warning, Connie didn't see it that way. She was a challenge, a project Pearl was excited for. Pearl saw potential in her skills.

“Isn't that a good thing?” she asked, turning back to him with a beaming smile. The sharp turn had her sword swing outwards, and Steven narrowly dodged it. “Oops. Sorry. Isn't it good that we're getting so much work done? If Homeworld gems come back, I'll be ready to fight for you!”

There was a look on Steven's face that Connie couldn't decipher. In a certain light, it could almost be disappointment, or frustration that she was failing to understand his concern. But Steven didn't get mad at her, they didn't fight, not really, and so she brushed the thought away.

“Just watch where you're swinging that thing,” he said tiredly, and the subject was dropped.

 

 

_**The next year** _

 

In the end they left the party in fairly high spirits.

Stevonnie was benched for now, no matter how Kevin pleaded for them to fuse, and that was okay. They needed time, and Stevonnie could respect that. Steven and Connie had a lot to work through, there was training to be done, stories to be told.

Connie found herself playing with her new hair. Steven found himself playing with the collar of his shirt, the shirt Connie had gifted him. Neither knew exactly what to say, but Steven's free hand held onto Connie's waist for support, and she sat up straight with a smile. It was time to start over.

 

 

_**Two years later** _

 

Steven didn't like her boyfriend.

It was kinda weird, really. Because at first, Steven and Jeff had really gotten along. She'd brought him along to sword training (with Pearl's permission, of course) after promising him she'd show him the basics some time. In the end, it had mostly been Pearl instructing the three of them while they did self defence exercises. Some time later, Jeff had asked her on a date to the newest Dogcopter movie. It felt a bit strange going without Steven, but after that they had been... seeing one another.

It didn't really _feel_ like dating though, not like how she had always seen in soap operas. Jeff was nice and he was funny and he would always lend her manga when she asked, and sometimes they would hold hands at school and on the bus ride home. But there was no crescendo in the background when they smiled at each other, and she felt just as content being with him as she did sitting at home after cello practice, reading a book.

Their relationship wasn't romantic so much as it was _comfortable._

Not to mention, Steven had changed. It was something that perplexed her, because Steven liked _everyone._ (Well, within reason. Certain trouble-stirring Homeworld gems and Diamond dictators weren't in his favour.) Jeff hadn't wronged Steven in any way that Connie could think of, and _that_ was the confusing part. But ever since she had told Steven the news, stiffly holding Jeff's hand in the doorway, his attitude had changed.

“Connie!”

Steven greeted her at the door with a beaming smile. He had a scratch on his face and a clump of his hair seemed to be missing, but all that needed to be said was “a corrupted gem almost threw me down a gorge” and that was that.

“So I can't stay too long after practice today,” Connie began, resting her sword against the coffee table. “See, Jeff invited me to this book signing and-”

“Oh.”

Connie had never pegged Steven as a jealous type, but she wasn't sure what other word to describe him with as he looked away, mouth pulled into a sour grimace.

“It's just, it's his favourite author and I've been reading a little of his work and, and it really _is_ interesting stuff...”

“Right.” Steven went to the fridge and tossed her a juice box, with enough force that she nearly dropped it. “Pearl's in her room but she'll be out in a minute. Make yourself at home, I guess.”

As he trudged back up to his room, where the latest Lonely Blade movie was paused, Connie felt a twinge of annoyance.

“Why are you acting like this?”

“Like what?” he asked dully.

“Like – like a jerk, Steven! I thought you liked Jeff, so why?”

“I...” Steven stared at her for a few moments, incredulous, before looking away. “Sorry. I'm being unfair.”

Connie climbed up to sit on his bed, their shoulders knocking together.

“Nothing has to change, Steven. We can still hang out, you know?”

“I know that,” he said quickly. “I know. Sorry.”

They lapsed into silence for a few moments, before Connie leaned her head against Steven's.

“We're still jam buds, right?”

“Jam buds,” he agreed. He pressed a controller into her hands and began to rummage through a messy pile of console games. “They added a Dogcopter level into this multiplayer I bought. Wanna be player 1?”

With a grin, she picked up the controller.

“Only if you'll be my player 2.”

 

 

_**29 days after that** _

 

Connie hadn't meant to ride Lion over to Beach City on a school night, and she certainly hadn't meant to ditch Jeff when he was supposed to be walking her home a whole two blocks away. But, inevitably, it had happened like that.

She could feel a few spots of rain and groaned loudly, firstly because she'd left her coat behind in the rush to leave, and secondly because if this night grew to resemble a teen drama anymore than it did already, she would scream.

It felt stupid, knocking on his door after dark, when he might be on a mission or with his dad or... heck, they hadn't seen each other in almost a month, would he even want to talk to her? Connie had changed. She'd done exactly what she had promised she wouldn't that day on his bed.

She wouldn't blame him if he refused to answer her.

But he did (of course he did), and his eyes widened as he took in her fearful expression, the goosebumps on her arms, and Lion standing behind her protectively.

“Connie? What happened? Are you sick? Did someone get hurt?” he fretted, and she just hugged him tight, feeling a little giddy and a little terrified. He pulled her inside, where she was greeted by darkness, the only light illuminating the room from his television set.

“I... I broke up with Jeff,” she confessed, and just saying it felt like a weight being pulled from her shoulders. Steven frowned.

“O-Oh. I'm sorry.”

“I didn't really, um, tell him?” she continued, pulling away and blinking furiously. She was beginning to feel her chest tighten, tears incoming. It didn't feel very polite to cry on Steven's shoulder after brushing him off in spite of the conversation they'd had the last time she'd seen him. “I-I ran away from him. But it might as well be over. I can't look him in the eye after this, can I?”

“Sure you can,” Steven said automatically, looking unsure of where to place himself, even in his own home. “Wait, are you okay? Why did you run away?”

“I don't know,” muttered Connie, arms folded tightly around herself. “We were just walking, and... and everything was normal but then he tried to kiss me, a-and I just, I ran, I had to get out of there!”

She could feel herself starting to shiver.

“Why did I do that? Jeff's nice, he... he's my friend, I mean, my _boyfriend,_ so shouldn't I want him to kiss me?”

Why couldn't things just be simple? Instead, all she had thought about on the ride over was, strangely enough, Lisa, and how content she had seemed to swing a blade around and perfect her magic until the last five chapters of book 4, where the very thought of living without marrying Archemicarus made her heart start to freeze over. Lisa, who had never once seemed to care about love until it was forced onto her by the pressures of the publishing company to make a new bestseller.

“There's just so much to think about,” she rambled on. “The threat of Homeworld looming over us constantly, whether there's any point continuing cello because if the Earth is destroyed who gives a damn about _college applications,_ right? And, have I _ever_ wanted to kiss Jeff? Ever? I just don't know, Steven!”

His hand reached over, squeezing her shoulder, and his very touch grounded her to the present.

“Connie, it's going to be okay! You just... need to tell Jeff how you feel.”

“I don't think I like him like I'm supposed to, Steven,” Connie said dejectedly. She sat down on the couch, staring at an empty pizza box on the coffee table, and Steven took a seat beside her.

“That's okay,” he offered, looking a little afraid of saying the wrong thing and setting her off. “Jeff seems... nice. He'll understand!”

“I thought you didn't like him,” Connie mumbled.

“What? No, it's not that... it's just...” Steven scratched his head. “Well, you never looked that happy to call him your boyfriend so I figured something like this might happen.”

Connie pulled her knees up, hugging them close, and rested her chin against them.

“Can we be Stevonnie for a while?” she asked into the darkness. “Please?”

Steven reached for her hand once again, and they became Themself again.

Stevonnie felt bad. Jeff was swirling around somewhere in their headspace, looking hurt and confused, and it made their heart ache because it was so clear now, this was never about him. Instead, he was Connie's friend who had ended up mixed up in all this. One side of Stevonnie felt sorrow for him, while also feeling embarrassed at having ran away from those confused eyes instead of confronting what felt so bad to begin with. Another part of Stevonnie sheltered some of this pain quietly, just wanting to be there for support. All they could see for miles were butterflies.

For now, that was okay.

 

 

_**Three hours later** _

 

Connie was grounded. After answering the 9th call from her mother's phone, and receiving one heck of an earful for missing her curfew and leaving a dozen frantic text messages unanswered, Stevonnie was long gone and the two of them hitched a ride from Greg back to Connie's neighbourhood since Lion had made himself scarce. As they sat in the back seat, listening to an old EP from The Philosophy Majors, Connie reached over to take Steven's hand in her own.

“Sorry about everything,” she mumbled. He seemed confused.

“You mean about your mom?” he asked. “Don't even worry about that! Stevonnie's faced worse threats than an abacus!”

“Not that,” she groaned, although she appreciated Steven's attempts to make light of the talk from her parents and that damn abacus she would be getting after stepping foot through her front door. “I... I've been a jerk, Steven. A really bad friend.”

He shook his head like a reflex.

“Connie, you haven't, you... you've just been busy.”

“I promised you things wouldn't change,” Connie protested.

“Well, have they?” Steven asked, gesturing around them. “Sitting in the back of my dad's van listening to obscure eighties musicians while your parents are pacing at home? It's the ending of a classic jam buds adventure!”

She couldn't help but laugh, and Steven booped his head against her shoulder. He was still shorter than her, just about, but who knew if it would change? So many things were changing these days.

“So we're... we're okay?”

“We were never _not_ okay,” Steven pointed out, with an impish grin. She rested her head atop of his and squeezed his hand as they turned down a rural lane, plunging into darkness in the back of the van. No one could touch them there, not beyond the force fields of _Nietzsche's Breakdown_ and Mr Universe humming softly in the front.

“Jam buds?”

“Jam buds.”

 

 

_**And now** _

 

“Is something the matter, Connie?”

Connie looks up, jolted from her thoughts, in time to see a blade intercept a blow from a holopearl's sword. Pearl is stood beside her, effortlessly blocking the attack, without even looking. No, she is focused on Connie, and her concern is as intense as the rest of her.

“No, ma'am. I'm just fine.”

“Well then,” Pearl says delicately, forcing the sword back, “I think it's time we take a break, don't you think?”

Connie hums uncertainly, but Pearl dissipates the holopearl effortlessly and offers her a kind smile.

“Perhaps some juice, o-or a granola bar?”

“Juice,” Connie says as she slips her sword back into its scabbard, and as Pearl pulls a juice box from her gem, Connie's mind begins to wander once more.

So much has happened here. The arena is hardly standing anymore, worn from at least three more encounters with Homeworld soldiers in the past decade. There are scuff marks and cracks and even some dried blood in certain parts, where she had busted a lip and grazed her knuckles and scraped her knees.

This isn't just a piece of gem history anymore, because human history is entwined in it firmly. If she strains her eyes she can see a skid mark across the floor from where Sheena had ridden in on her bike, knocking a vermarine off their feet. Good times.

Connie takes a seat on the edge, staring at where her feet dangle, knowing if she pushes herself over the edge Steven won't be there to slow down the fall. It would be her own problem to face, and this late in the game, she'd surely find a way to overcome it.

The juice box is pressed into Connie's hands, and Pearl takes a seat beside her.

“You look very lost in thought,” Pearl remarks with a smile. “Did I push you too hard today?”

“No ma'am,” Connie says quickly. “Training was great, it's just... something's been weighing on my mind recently.”

“Well... you know what humans say, a problem shared is a problem halved,” Pearl says, with confidence, before stopping to think if that was in fact the correct idiom. “Regardless, if you want to talk...”

“I know.” Connie exhales, before turning to look her teacher in the eye. “Pearl, how did you and Rose make things work?”

Pearl leans back a little, blinking.

“Um. Define 'it', please, Connie. I, um, don't quite follow.”

“After everything that you went through together. Homeworld, the war... thousands of years of conflict, resolution, arguing and finding compromise. How did you make it work?”

“Oh. Well, um...” Pearl puts a hand to her cheek, working out how to approach the answer. “It... hmm. The lifespan of a gem is a lot different to humans. So, I suppose the rest of our lives move at the same rate. Grudges can be held for a long time. Wars can last millennia. We were never great at honest communication and looking back this caused a lot of problems.”

Her hands clasp together. “But I loved Rose, and Rose loved me. And while we had our fair share of disagreements over the years, it was only when Steven was born that we were truly divided.”

“Because he's not Rose,” Connie finishes. She exhales. “Steven sometimes wonders... if you and Garnet and Amethyst... if you still think she's in there somewhere.”

“When he was a baby I almost took his gem away,” Pearl recalls, and the idea sends ice through Connie's blood. “But something stopped me. I don't quite know what it was. Maybe it was because it was what she wanted, or maybe I knew even then just how precious he was.” She has a tired smile on her face. “We aren't the same gems we were that day, Connie. I know we aren't perfect, but we try our best to understand.”

Connie looks away and stares down at her hands, examining the bitten down nails and scars from a citrine slashing her palms with a sabre five years ago.

“Steven and I have a lot of history. We've been through a lot together. It may not be a thousand year war, but it's been... hmm... fifteen years?”

“A blink of an eye for a gem,” Pearl supplies with a chuckle, “but time doesn't work the same that it used to. Watching you two grow up has been an, ah, enlightening experience.”  
“Oh, it has?” Connie peers at her with a grin.

“Likewise, I know I wouldn't be the person I am today without Steven,” she continues. “It was helping raise him that accustomed me to humans and your cultures. Sheena is teaching me about the rituals of marriage currently. It's all very fascinating! I suppose so that I can be prepared to, uh, what's the term? Give Steven away?”

Connie knows better. She's seen the ring already. Sheena has been working up the courage all week just to ask, but as usual, as soon as the topic is brought up Pearl is more curious just to learn about the entire process.

“I'm sure that's why,” she agrees, hoping her face gives nothing away. Pearl doesn't bring it up again.

“Well, you and Steven have always been, hmm, jam buds, was it?” Connie nods. “Then, surely it's not so difficult to overcome fifteen years of conflict for love?”

“I guess.”

Connie stands up and offers Pearl a hand. Pearl looks at Connie's own ring, a simple silver band, with a fondness a mother holds for her child.

“My, the two of you have grown, haven't you?”

Connie throws back her head and laughs. It's a sound rich with fifteen years of growth, of loss and of love.

“Sure we have, it's what we humans do.”

Connie clutches the strap of her scabbard closer to her, and as she and Pearl head towards the staircase, she can hear the gentle strumming of a ukulele. She can smell strawberries.

“It sounds like someone's waiting for you,” Pearl says with a smile.

“That's another thing people do when they're in love,” Connie agrees with a wink. Pearl lingers behind as Connie follows the song.

“Hey! You done with practice?”

“Yeah, you?”

Steven grins up at her.

“Sure! I'm working on my new set, can't you hear?”

“Oh, that again?”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Like I said, I barely ever write connverse as romantic since Steven and Connie's friendship reminds me so much of mine and my best friend's bond (we're both gay). So this was really fun and interesting to write! I just hope I stayed in Connie's head enough,,


End file.
